OK gang, over the years, I’ve seen a LOT perfectly innocent movie titles that could just as easily be taken as a porn movie title…
The Big Red 1 (1980)
The Black Hole (1979)
Driving Miss Daisy (1989)
Little Big Man (1970)
Head (1968) (The Monkees movie…Look it up)
The Iron Giant (1999)
The Punisher (2004)
Fast, Cheap & Out of Control (1997)
Fist in His Pocket (1968)
Five Easy Pieces (1970)
Forbidden Games (1952) OK, light porn
The 400 Blows (1959)
Friendly Persuasion (1956)
Get Out Your Handkerchiefs (1978)
The Girl Can’t Help It (1956)
The Go-Between (1971)
The Good, the Bad and the Ugly (1968)
A Hard Day’s Night (1964)
The Hustler (1961)
Mr. Deeds Goes to Town (1936)
The More the Merrier (1943)
The Naked Gun (1988)
Cheaper by the dozen (1950 & 2003)
One Foot in Heaven (1941) for you kinky bastards
Raging Bull (1980)
Re-Animator (1985) Pre-Viagra
Ride the High Country (1962)
The Right Stuff (1983)
A Shot in the Dark (1964)
The Tender Trap (1955)
Tight Little Island (1949)
Working Girl (1988)
The list goes on and on.
But last night I witnessed a movie trailer that’s gotta be the best set up of all time…
A photographer trying to find his groove is told to follow his subject matter to the next level and really follow through with it…blah blah blah. So he’s taking photos on a train late at night and captures a woman being killed…follows the murderer…who kills people on the train and apparently dispenses of the bodies by passing them off as beef, etc… Anyway… The name of the flick… wait for it…
MIDNIGHT MEAT TRAIN !!
(Come on! Even the lowliest double entendrist from the most scholastically oppressed area in the English-speaking world could stumble into a pick-up line outta that title.
Here’s a country-wide scenario we need to explore. How many guys do you think will ask a gal out to see this flick so that, afterward, he can ask her if she wants to go back to his place and ride his midnight meat train?
I’m going to predict that hundreds of guys across these United States will do this. It’s an easy joke! It’ll happen! I’m even willing to bet that the French will demean themselves to speak English, just so THEY can use it as a pick-up line. Not that the French need new ones.
I’ll further project that 85% will get slapped, laughed off or flipped off, with the woman saying something akin to, “I don’t think your engine is big enough to move my caboose”.
Maybe 10% of the remaining women will think their dates are clever and, charged with crazy endorphins from a scary flick, succumb to his cleverly orchestrated scheme.
Of those, many won’t have protection. Of those that stay caught up in the moment, I’ll bet at least one woman catches a seed and gets preggers.
That’s why I don’t watch horror movies. I don’t like the odds.
Tomorrow: Back to your regularly schedule programming.